The bad part about honesty is when you say something the other person doesn't really want to hear, blow away assumptions that you weren't really aware that the other person *had*.
I cringed a bit when I read his email. Here it was in black and white--the confirmation of something i'd been suspecting for a while, but hadn't actually had the balls to ask about.
Oh. Well, what do i do now?
I did the only thing I could think to do--I was honest. Possibly brutally honest. I tried not to be cruel, I really did, but I fear i may have stepped over the line somewhere.
And afterwards, I got silence, the pregnant silence that I associate with hurt.
The fault lies in sixteen parts: five cowardice, three assumption, five irritation, two solitude, one sheer bad luck.
I'm really rather afraid that I've damaged whatever our relationship was. I didn't want to. But I had to be honest.
Didn't I?
I thought i'd been clear from the beginning about what I was and wasn't looking for. I want to keep this light I said.I want to explore this. But I also want either of us to be able to end it at any time, for any reason, with no hard feelings on either side.
Perhaps I simply wasn't clear enough. Perhaps I let some doubt creep in. Perhaps i've been giving off mixed messages.
Perhaps I should have checked in about our respective assumptions more often.
I wrote the above in a fit of insecurity and sorrow. I hate hurting people i love, hate typing out words that i know are going to sting. But a choice between honesty and comfort isn't a choice at all for me these days.And this whole friendship is complicated; it always has been, it likely always will be. We're not easy people, and we're both new to this. After talking with him again this afternoon, I'm feeling much better, and we're going to be having a long talk about stuff tonight.
I hope it turns out for the best.
how goes the war?
packing for the weekend.
