So I had jury duty on Wednesday and Thursday. Here I thought I was going to experience fascinating courtroom drama. Get interviewed by lawyers and maybe even get to sit on a jury. Okay, maybe it would be boring courtroom drama, but, you know, it would be a chance to see how the justice system actually works.No dice, I'm afraid.
The first day, we all shuffled into the "jury assembly room". A judge came in to talk to us for a little bit, and then we were shown a short video on why jury duty is cool. They gave us a plastic badge holder and a biographical information form, told us not to leave the room, and left us to our own devices. The room itself was actually pretty comfortable--the chairs weren't particularly comfy, but there were tables to sit at if you wanted, bathrooms attached to the room, and vending machines if you were starving. There were a lot of jigsaw puzzles in the room, for whatever reason.
Our badges had bar codes, and we were supposed to be scanned every time we went anywhere.
I sat and read, and edited a document I'd brought from work. The time went by. They finally started calling a list of names and giving us numbers. I was Juror #72. I wrote this in the bottom of my bio-form, turned it in, received another bioform to fill out, and turned that in, as well.
And then we waited, again.
A half hour later, everyone but me and a handful of people were called out into the hallway to go up to a courtroom for the actual selection process. I felt rather like the last kid chosen for the team. "Was I not good enough for you?"
So, back to reading. They let us go early to lunch, and I wandered around downtown Kent. Kent feels...run-down. It feels like it was founded by people with bright ideas and good intentions, but it never quite got off the ground. There's a JC Penny department store that has to be the single saddest department store I've ever been in. It felt dingy. The counters were staffed by old ladies with gimlet gazes and nothing better to do than to stare at shoppers. It was grave-quiet.
In the afternoon, more reading. They let us go at 3:30.
Day two was much the same thing, except that I brought art supplies and paper and drew pictures. I didn't get called the second day, either.
My experience with the justice system: unequivocally boring.
"You'll feel better about it if you think of it as the Reigonal Vengeance Center.""I feel better already."
Overheard at the office:"Wow, what a great Tina Turner impersonator!"
"Yeah, she looks just like the pope!"
I am still a vast distance from my emotions.
I can live this way for a long, time. It's not numbness, really; it's a removal. I am incomplete. I am this round, perfect circle with a big bite taken out of it.
And, no, I don't really care very much.
Such is the marvelous power of this state I am in.
Things are brightly, painfully clear to me. I remember the reason for this state and I am grateful for it, in my own emotionless fashion. It makes things easier to remember when I'm not dealing with having to believe a half dozen conflicting things at the same time.
From such barren soil comes all things new. Without the capacity to be hurt, I am able to make difficult starts and start on longer, stranger journeys.
This is a near-normal state for me, one which I slip into when there are things I must think about without the anxious veil of my emotions between me and what I'm thinking about things.
And, you know, if I were really feeling anything, I think I'd be feeling okay right now. I'd be feeling like maybe life goes on no matter what, that I've got a lot to live for, that my creative juices are starting to flow more freely. That maybe there are possibilities in empty rooms.
That I have a corner dedicated to toys right now, and that is by no means a bad thing.
the ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin...
