You know, I really am painfully shy.Those who know me in real life can stop laughing now. It's true.
Oh, I'm good at covering it up. I know how to participate in a group without actually saying anything. I know when and how to let my body sway, what facial expressions are appropriate when, when to laugh.
But I don't make eye contact. I rarely make the first move. I am never truly comfortable in a group of people where most are unknown to me. I don't talk to strangers if I can help it.
It seems like I am surrounded by people who are not in the least shy, who enjoy other people. The pagan and poly communities in particular seem to have a huge number of outgoing people, who seem to feel no awkwardness about connecting with other people. These are groups in which I already feel sort of marginalized--oh, much more at home than in any other group, but I am still *other*, whether it's because of my religious background or my sexual orientation. I worry that people might think I don't like them because I can't really interact with them.
It's not just introversion. But I am very introverted and very shy, and I always sort of wonder why I sometimes feel compelled to make friends, to try to fit in with groups. I feel so strange when I try, so anxious. It's not even will they like me?
It's more what do they want from me, and will I be able to figure it out before it's too late?
Throw in the fact that I have a hard time hearing people's voices when there's a lot of background noise, and you have a girl who is difficult to get to know. I wonder, sometimes, what people actually think of me. Do they think I'm stuck up? Do they think I don't like them? Do they think I'm bored? Do they think I'm shy? Do they think I'm not particularly interesting?
I do try. I make an effort to talk to people, sometimes. Not strangers, of course, but maybe friends of friends. But I get halfway through the conversation and I realize that I've just run out of things to say entirely, and I don't have any ideas for questions I can ask the other person. So I have to make an ungraceful exit.
And I constantly have to remind myself that other people are human, just like me. They are of the same species as me, not some four-headed aliens that just dropped by from Mars. They are not perfect, even if they are smarter/more witty/prettier than me. They might not be likely to find me fascinating, but they might find me interesting enough to share some perceptions with me if I can find the courage to share some with them.
For me, the development of even an acquaintanceship with another person takes a long time. I prefer glancing brushes and occasional interaction to all-night sessions where you stare deeply into each other's brains. The only time that intimacy is instant for me are the very rare occasions when I can look into another person's eyes and bond with them, then and there. But that's happened all of three times in my entire life; the rest of my friendships have taken significantly longer to build. I scare easily, and though I generally know what another person is feeling at any given moment, I often as not have no idea why they are feeling that way. (Empathy is no shortcut to understanding one's fellow humans, I'm afraid.)
I've proven to myself that I am capable of friendship. But it takes a long time to build the trust and the common ground of shared experiences that is the very foundation of friendship for me.
This was a pretty good weekend.I went out to the Olympic peninsula, to the farm of some friends of friends. They're the ones I was at for Beltane. This time, they had ten baby goats, all of whom are lap goats.
It's quite an experience to have a baby goat climb into your lap and start chewing on your shirt, requesting scritches. It's overwhelming when three at once try to do so.
But, yeah. Good people all. I came home exhausted and in need of recharging, but it was fun.
