And this afternoon, I began to feel better.
I *knew* this was temporary, passing. The most severe stuff always is. When I can't get to work on time because I spent an hour attempting to get out of bed and another hour staring at the walls, i know i'm in a bad state because of chemistry. I whine, I bitch, I moan, I say the nastiest stuff about myself and other people that I genuinely beleive at that moment.
But this afternoon something I thought was going to be hard turned out not to be. And my ride home was hard, but it was good.
And I wasn't really hungry (despite eating little all day, and having to force myself to eat that much) when I got home, but I stuck chicken breasts in the oven and put lemon pepper stuff on them, because I should have chicken to eat the rest of the week. But I was reading the Age of Innocence when the thought of, "Spinach!" struck me. Spinach. Specifically, fresh spinach and mushrooms sauteed in olive oil and garlic.
Having all of said ingredients, I quickly chopped stuff up, sauteed a bit of garlic in the oil, and dumped the rest of the stuff in. Three cups of spinach cooks down to about a cup and a half, which easily fits into a soup bowl. I snarfed it all down and was feeling immensely better by the end of the bowl.
Obviously, the last five days have left me a bit iron-depleted. I feel tons better about myself and far more kindly about the rest of the world.
However, I have discovered something: my ablity to say no.
I think my favorite words over the next month or so are going to be "I don't want to."
My very first desire that I can remember, even before hunger or thirst, was to be left alone. I find that I require a lot of alone time, a lot of "down" time, and at the same time I require some time with other people--get-togethers that happen on a regular basis. I don't deal very well with changes in routine, which is something that I always forget. And I always forget that my first week or so of downtime after I've been spending a lot of time with other people is a prime time for depression to strike--for the bad brain chemicals to come along and batter down my reason.
I mean, I *know* the things I think and do during one of these crashes are irrational. But I can't stop them. It's one of the hallmarks of a crash for me; I know that I am not based in reality and still I act as if my perceptions are valid.
Like I said, bad brain chemistry. I'm better now. I hit the bottom of my long slide into irrationality, and I'm on my way back up.
and Chris wonders why I hang onto reason as much as I do. I've never in my life been happily irrational. All of the good stuff has reasons. The bad stuff has reasons far more rarely.
Kallisti *really* wants to climb the tree under this window. He just can't quite bring himself to do it. Weirdo.I think I'm going to be a hermit for a little while longer. I've got some catching up and some patching and healing to do.
Oh, and thank you to everyone who wrote me. Y'all will get eail back from me sometime soon, I promise. It really did mean a lot to me.
