I perch on the edge of my brain and watch my emotions roll by.
Stress is a dark, pulsating purple. Rage is a tang of bright red, sorrow is a soft yellow.
Happiness is green and blue and teal and lavender, thankfulness is a soft rose. Daring is dark blood red. Justification is a smug evergreen.
The dark colors are slowly fading, after a couple of months of ascendancy. The passing away of the things that were stressing me has prompted a shift back towards the clear colors of happiness.
in other words, I'm happier now than I have been for a few months. Getting my license took care of a lot of the stress I was under, and as of today a big work project will be pretty much done. And this weekend will be incredibly relaxing...visiting a place where I'm almost completely unknown, hanging out with people I really like, and relaxing. I've gotten pretty much everything that I needed...all I need to do now is pack, which I'll accomplish tonight.
When I think about the mood shifts that have held me hostage in the past, this one has been extremely mild, and it's been motivated entirely by external forces. It's never gotten to the I hate my self and I want to die stage, and only got into the extremely introspective and self-critical stage for a couple of days. And, really, most of the downshift was occasioned by irregular eating habits and not exercising nearly enough. So I have firsthand evidence, now, of my need for a controlled diet, regular exercise, and normal sleep patterns.
It gets easier, soon; I'm fully expecting my life to settle down a bit in a couple of weeks, and I expect to become rather resistant to randomly rearranging my schedule to suit other people. I'm already doing better with that, but soon it will become much easier for me to do so.
I like the idea of spontaneity. I really do.
But the practice drives me nuts unless I've planned for it, unless I've set aside time that says do things you wouldn't ordinarily on it.
I need predictability. I need to be able to trust myself. I need routine. I need to trust the people around me.
I sit on the fine line between longing to be truly spontaneous and rage at being interrupted. And, truly, sometimes I'm fine with things not going as i'd planned. Okay, most of the time i'm fine with things not going as planned.
And i'm also okay with just not planning, with saying, "We'll do whatever strikes our fancy." That's the mode i'm in on vacation, and i rarely get cranky on vacations.
I just like my routines. My routines are comfortable and they keep me healthy. My routines contain generous amounts of time for myself and enough time with others that i don't feel isolated. I get mad when I feel like people are messing with my schedule just because they can, or are asking me to do things i find actively unpleasant.
But consistency isn't really a bad thing. I certainly seem to thrive on it. (which is weird, what with me having been having been ms. inconsistent girl for most of my life.)
[hiatus until September 7th or so. will be in Michigan and it's unlikely I'll update while I'm there.]
There is no time, for doing the crime
Robbing yourself of life that could be much like a walk in the light
I'm not so special, I've come back from hell
To realize that nothing matters ever unless I let it
