I watched him leave, yesterday.
He loaded up the truck with his things, chatting with Meg, who had shown up to help him. Then, he came into my room, gave me his keys, gave me a hug, and left.
I stood at the window and watched him pull away from the curb, watched him drive down the street and out of sight. I kept standing at the window, watching for I don't know what. Maybe I was hoping against hope that he'd come back, say he was sorry, say he'd made a terrible mistake.
Maybe I was hoping I could make time flow backwards and undo the past six months.
So I'm sitting here this morning thinking about where I am and where I'm going. I had just managed to heal from what Trav did to me when things with Shannon turned really sour. I fought for two hard years to get over what Trav did to me. I don't know if I can face that road again. I don't know if I can traverse the hostile ground back to faith yet again.
One thing is for certain. My ability to trust males has been permanently taken away from me. I tried so hard to open up and let them inside my protections....and all of them have taken advantage of that. It's not worth it to me, any more. I'm walking away from that.
And I don't know if the road back to healing is worth it, any more. Why fight for years to get to a place where you can be happy, only to have your trust betrayed and your love taken away from you? It's so time-consuming, and takes so much effort...and I'm on my own, this time. I don't have a strong hand to hold me up when all i want to do is fall down. I don't have anyone to plague me and pain me into doing what I need to do for myself. I have nobody to tell me that there's a good place right up ahead.
So much empty time and space to fill, and so little of me left.
I keep being told that eventually you stop walking around like a metal shell, that eventually the rage and sadness fade, that eventually you stop waiting to hear his footsteps in the hallway, that eventually you stop waking up at night and reaching for him.
I don't know if I can believe it right now.
We are in disarray--Anne is dead, Stavia is somewhere in the cold spaces between the stars, Malis keeps on coming out and throwing things against the walls and posting mean things online, the littles don't understand why their Shannon has abandoned them.
I will do this job that has been thrust upon me--I will care for the body as best I can, I will try to keep the more destructive alters from coming out, I will attempt to placate the little ones. But I don't know if I'm really up for this task. I wasn't enough before--what makes me think I can be enough now?
I'll try. Maybe I can hold out for a while. We'll see.