I stare at myself in the mirror and a girl with smudged brown around her eyes glares back, makeup over dark rings. Trying to make them look deliberate. I look weird on purpose. Really.It actually almost looks okay; behind glasses it's not really noticable, without glasses I look trendy. Dramatic. Teenaged.
and i think, I can't do this any more.
Getting up early was a noble experiment that has failed utterly. After a week and a half, i'd made it to the gym every single day but was so tired that i couldn't sleep. My state of mind was frayed, I had a headache for three days straight, and i found myself doing the same task over and over again.
So as of today, i'm only going to do early mornings one day a week, two when i start my gaming group in a few weeks. And, frankly, people who want to see me in the evenings can bloody well wait till 7:30, when i'll be finished with exercising, or wait till the weekend.
I miss my solitude and my routines. i like my friends, but i always forget that i do need chunks of time to myself. i have cats to pet and a house to clean and fish to watch and toys to play with. i feel vaguely guilty about saying, "I like to be alone," though. Perhaps because I'm not the kind of person who cannot go out to eat or to a movie by myself, I feel strange talking about my love of quiet time to those who are, or even those who simply prefer to go out with friends to going out by themselves.
It's not that i don't enjoy the company of other people; i just prefer my own company, when I can do whatever i like in whatever order I want to, when i can change my mind however i want.
Don't see The General's Daughter, especially if you're a survivor of rape or sexual violence. Even if you're not, don't see it.The movie captures the feeling of flashbacks with an indifferent eye; it villifies both the perpetrators and those who turn away—by stripping bare a victim.
writer's handaccording to the body,
the sweat that breaks when fear arises
is honest as the sweat of labor;
according to the skin cold and heat
both burn. Hair might freeze
if it is damp and the air is cold.and according to the hand, square
thumb and spread fingers, a compulsion
can be read in the space between
heel and tip. a sensitive
hand, compelled to describe
the horrible and beautiful
all at once. And when pen
turns to keyboard the hand will
keep talking, tapping, screaming.according to the hand a slap
and a caress are mere differences
of degree and the closed fist
and the open hand require eyes
to tell the difference. To the fingers
a bird is a collection of keys describing
feathers or beak or claw.This is a world without contrast.
A writer's hand still breaks frozen hair.--kif, 6/21/99
I am going to a far, far land
i know it sure as i've a past and a future
with my maps on the table, you see I've lost many things
so many I won't turn backI Love, I Love by Dar Williams
outside: "We're Y2K Ambivalent—Icon"
doing: updating sites
to do: grocery shopping
words: Cryptonomicon
link: Ulysses for Dummies
energy level (out of ten): 6
