December 29, 2001: tidings of comfort and joy
the third thesis
3:56 am
there are hours
where the bed cradles me warm
when I remember lyrics from older brighter times
when the blankets shiver with remembered music
there are times when I wake before dawn
and spend the quiet hours wandering through stories
old and wishful, true as crows and crooked
with the weight of retelling.
in the dark hours, names are a weight on my tongue and I mutter
incantations against memory, old wounds
fluttering like gills around my neck.
I remember old injustices, long since forgiven
or forgotten by the wronged, words written
in anger and repented years later.
then I remember nights when my pride yielded
and treasures were plucked from the debris.
My tongue swollen with sleep, my fingers stiff
with inaction--both trying to describe the wonders
found later, when hope became a sudden force
and the years abruptly gave way with a glance.
I and the blankets shiver against one another.
Now I do not remember the wrong I did you but instead
the smooth of your skin and the edge of your taste.
in the dark hours, after too many dreams awaken me
necklaced by shame, I hold the lyric of your body's memory
to me, stilled and waiting, half dreaming.
The shadow of your presence falls heavy.
I sleep, glad of the weight.
I have been having a really lovely holiday. I've had the entire week off and don't have to go to work again till the second, so I've been really completely lazy. I've been doing some organization of my life, some thinking about what I want to do in the next year, but mostly I've been cooking and sleeping and really getting some good relaxation time in.
It's been beautiful and clear, that lovely solstice break we sometimes get from the drear reality of winter in Seattle. I've been stocking up on sunlight and chill, going out without a coat, soaking it all in.
Christmas was pretty darned wonderful. I had Chris over at my house for a couple of days--we started out with dinner at Laura and Bryan's on Christmas Eve, then opened presents together on Christmas morning. We had hot chocolate and Mexican food, watched a bunch of movies, snugged and generally enjoyed a really relaxed, good-natured time with each other. Quite a contrast from a couple of years ago, when we had a tense holiday together.
I'm enjoying this. Not saying much about it, but I'm enjoying it.
I feel poised again. I have calendars, I have goals, I have all the time in the world in the new year and the desire to make it count.
I feel, right now, as if my life were a novel--I want to find out what happens next.
