August 12, 2002: what friends your monsters made
From Free Will Astrology:

Libra: You're climaxing a phase of development that's been unfolding for many moons. Soon you'll be tying up loose ends and resolving unfinished business, and by October you'll launch a whole new cycle. Now, while you're basking here in the glow of your full bloom, you'd be wise to wrap things up with a flourish. What beauty do you want to leave behind as you depart from this era? What blessings will you bequeath to express your gratitude for all the formative experiences you'd had?

Capricorn: Where two tributaries of a river blend into one: That's one of your power spots this week. Where the tree meets the ground is another magic symbol, along with the boundary where cloud and sky join, the double darkness where your shadow overlaps a friend's shadow, and the sweet spiral time when night gives way to the dawn. In conclusion, Capricorn, you will tap into the ripest inspiration in the liminal areas; you'll find the truths you need most wherever one web of mystery merges with another.

(Libra, my sun and rising sign, is both my public face and my truest self; Capricorn is my moon, my secret self, the part of me most connected with the mysteries.)

These are the dog days of August, where it gets hot even here and we all lie in the shade panting. Yesterday, I painted my fingernails and toenails and then sat out on the grass and read a book that makes absolutely no sense. (We're talking what happens when some poet eats a bunch of acid and suddenly thinks he's a novelist. It was pretty bad. I didn't care.) I wiggled my toes in the lawn and watched a yellowjacket hunt in the grass nearby.

I have a mud wasp attempting to build a nest by my back door, and I'm certain there's a bald-faced hornet nest nearby because I keep getting them in the house. I wash off the wall every night and gently shoo the hornets back out the windows. Fighting a war of attrition with the insect world that they will win eventually. Sweeping the spider webs from my front door and shaking the dirt from my doormat.

I've rearranged my altar; instead of my two athames and my wand arranged in a three-pronged formation, I've unbound one of them and laid the wand and the other athame near the tip, crossing in a T. The stones, I clustered close around the handle and the blade. The card the blade lies on is the Universe.

I am preparing for something.

I have new clothes: low-waisted jeans, black sandals, tight shirts that are inappropriate for work. I have new lipstick, too. And a new purse.

I feel like something's trying to work its way out from inside of me.

I'm single again. I can't say that Chris and I broke up; more that we acknowledged that the way things were was hurting me and was unfair to him. So there's now a new relationship to negotiate there. We'll take things as they come. I feel light, free.

I am starting to wonder if there's something out there that wants me to become it.

I have been a difficult girl lately. I sat down one evening to write a journal entry, and found that nothing was happening, nothing was coming out of my fingertips. I tried and tried, but I couldn't write. I couldn't write in my paper journal, either. As long as I stayed on light topics, I could write in my LiveJournal, but even that towards the end was becoming restricted.

Denied my usual outlets, I sat and gnawed at myself in silence, trying to figure out a way around all of this. Finally, I gave it up and just went and talked to him. And everything's okay. We're friends, we'll still see each other (though probably on a less regular basis than we have been), and no hard feelings on either side. We tried it, it didn't work out, and now we're back to about where we were only without the specter of possibly trying to have a capital-R Relationship sometime in the future.

I'm feeling relieved. I think i'll ditch the labels for the moment, go see if the groups and people I pretty much abandoned when I got into this relationship still want to talk to me, and take some baby steps towards figuring out what I want to do next.

For the first time in ages, I can look at my life and say, "this is good". I feel much more in control of things, now, and it's that sense of control that makes me happy.

I've got a lot of work ahead of me. But I'm looking forward to it, this time.
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