I promise, I didn't mean to go on hiatus.

Really. I didn't. I promise.

Life just got suddenly a bit complicated. Just a bit.

"Let me explain...no, that will take too long. Let me sum up."

1. Cricket is adorable. Still. She's bigger now, and looks like a real cat, and has pretty much won over Juniper but has failed to win over Lilith. She's working on it.


2. "I thought the normal French for "We're all going to die." was: Regardez, il est les Allemands. Encore."


3. Chris and I are on friendly terms, again.


4. Sometime in the middle of November, a desire that was larger than me came along and shook me to the very heart of myself. I stepped up into what I wanted and was rewarded greatly. I'm still awed by my luck.


5. Thanksgiving was lovely. I have a wonderful family.


6. It's amazing what happens when you ask the universe for experiences to help you find out who you are these days. I have done a lot of exploration recently, and have a lot of ground yet to cover. I was surprised to find out that several people who i harbored somewhat-secret desires to get naked with felt the same about me. Exploring these new connections has been a hell of a lot of fun, and i'm not nearly done yet.


7. I had to buy a stereo, as my old one bit the dust. My new stereo has an Ethernet jack and recieves Internet radio stations. I am also a big geek.


8. New printer. yay!


9. My doctor says I'm not going to die any time soon, barring bus accidents.


10. Paper arts are my new best friend. I have made books, and various decoupaged things.


11. I put down carpet on the stairs in the hallway.


12. My new name is Nareshe, the Apache gloss of my given name. It means "daughter of sky".


13. I went to California for eight days recently. I was in the Bay area for four days, and had an absolute blast of a time. Then i was with my biofamily for four days, and that was...less of a fun time, mostly. I tried, and I was good, and....things were still uncomfortable. I feel better now that I'm home and my skin fits again.


14. I have pictures taken in California.


15. I am smitten. Oh, I am smitten so very much.

Okay, that was the summay of the past two weeks.

Now, for a few more details.

11/18--a warning

Your heart must be at least ~~~~~~~~~ this tall to ride this Kris.

I currently have a want that is bigger than I am. I am used to being able to shove my emotions into little logical boxes with labels on. Well, I finally met an emotion that is my match.

Not a need, a want. A want to be touched, kissed, tasted, known. I asked the universe for experiences to help me find out who I am these days, and this is the answer, this want.

and people respond to it. Some people I wasn't expecting. One person who, had I thought about it, I should have known about ahead of time.

And one person who I've admired for ages and ages and who I thought would never be interested in me. (and who I'm surprised and pleased to discover that there are at least some things that are mutual.)

I can't put this away in a little box. I can't shove it down and ignore it, because it has been my constant companion for the past few weeks. Chris says that it's definitely me, but I feel sometimes like I'm being ridden by it, like it's something wholly outside of my control.

I want to give into this. Have already given into it, actually. Will continue to give into it. But it's scaring me, and I'm trying to feel the fear, too, so I can understand what it's trying to tell me, whether it's a good, solid fear, or if it's the ghost of my control-freak self trying fruitlessly to control something that I do not want to control.

I said, "I don't know how to let go" and it's true, I don't. But I'm learning, slowly but surely. This is the next lesson in love for me.

I mostly don't even mind the whole "stepping off the cliff" aspect. mostly. Mostly what I mind, what I'm afraid of, is hurting people. I'll probably hurt, I'm expecting and braced for it; but I don't want to hurt anyone else.

11/23

velocity

there is just something about
   speed
     80 mph
        on a dark highway
in the middle of the night
calculating velocities
        117 and a third feet per second
        six inches from the concrete divider
        seven miles from home
        in the year of our lord 2002
        41 days from the next year
        30 days from the solstice

and I have just spent the evening with someone else's wife
laughing like lovers though we're not, not yet
and maybe will never be
but the arc of road echoes the things
I love best about her, and I am thinking
about the bridge, the bottom floating over the cold deep mud
eternal under the surface that occasionally
breaks right over the cars.

You sometimes need your wipers, driving here, even when it's fiercely sunny.

And there are velocities more indefineable:
the speed of laughter, how many feet
        per second fear travels
        whether love is fast or slow
        and if it depends
on the location, time of year, and how quickly
the smiles shuffle along the sidewalk.

I am a quicksilver glacier. Hematite and mercury
different only in degree and here's me
liquid at room temperature, measuring
the want inside of me in mililiters,
the LD50 of the combination of my eyes crystal green
and my hands, long and white and soft
        the space between hello
        and the long last goodbye

and I am never forgotten. I'm not sure why.

12/2
About six weeks ago, I did something that was at the same time monumentally stupid and exactly what I needed.

I'd just stomped out of Chris' life and I was finding myself at loose ends. Still not writing on a regular basis, which in me is a good sign that something is seriously wrong. If I'm not creating, I'm not alive, you might as well nail the coffin lid down because I'm just marking time.

So I, in my usual fashion, decided to shake things up a little bit.

I went to the universe in the form of my favorite patron goddess and said, approximately, "Okay, I have no idea who I am these days. I'd like to know now. So, come on, bring it on, I want to see what you can do. Give me experiences to help me find out who I am."

For the record, let me state that asking things like this of the universe is usually not the best idea in the world. There's too much room for interpretation. In this case, though, I had no idea *what* I wanted to happen, I just knew that I needed something to happen.

And. Well.

The first thing was that I was overtaken by want. A want bigger than myself. For weeks on end, I was an itchy craving crazy ball of nerve endings and desire. I didn't sleep more than a few hours a night for a couple of weeks. I began writing again, furiously. I became friends with Chris again, and he gave me more ideas, as did Beth. I wanted things, and I wanted touch, and sex.

And the second thing that happened was that people started responding to that want.

I never would have thought it, but there seems to be several people who are interested in me the way I'd like them to be--not a relationship interest, but a definite "hi, I'd like to get naked with you and see what happens" interest. This is exactly suited to me right now. I want to play, lightly, without commitment. I want to fall lightly into things. I just....want.

People I've never imagined might be attracted to me are. In several cases, there are women who I thought were monogamously married who, well, turned out to have one of those Arrangements with their spouses. Which was a pleasant surprise, let me tell you.

I've discovered the value of letting people know I'm attracted to them in ways that leave absolutely no doubt what I mean. I'm doing much less tactful dancing around things than I have been and much more head-on barreling into things, and the results have been almost uniformly positive.

And, somewhere in there, I picked up things with Chris again. I think we're in a good place for the moment; he and I speak such different languages that it's difficult telling where things stand with the two of us, so talking with him about things is a constant process of negotiation and "are you sure this is what you mean?" He knows very well where my boundaries are now, and he knows that those boundaries aren't negotiable. I need freedom, right now, I need play, I need to throw open my arms and invite the world inside.

Where we are right now is good. It'll shift over time, probably, and we're not in a capital-R Relationship. He's had some reworking of things inside his head lately, as well, in a way that makes me hopeful that, maybe, this time we'll be able to keep it all on the level and when it comes time for it to end, it will with a minimum of Drama.

Because, right now, I don't have time for Drama. I'm going out of my way to not create it in my life. And that in itself is a refreshing change; it's feeling like I'm finally really walking the walk.

I have broken through a wall and discovered my passion. And I'm discovering that it makes me happier than I imagined it would, and that it helps me feel whole. I am creating things I never thought about--between the scrapbooking, the decoupage, and the books I am making, I am incredibly busy and incredibly happy.

And that, honestly, is what counts.

12/13
"Allowing for outside sex under certain circumstances is not the same thing as allowing for outside sex under all circumstances. Being nonmonogamous is not the same as being out of control. And if a couple sets strict limits governing outside sex (only on other continents, only at swing clubs, only Russell Crowe) just knowing that there are circumstances that might come together that would allow you, at some point in the future, to have sex with someone else would go a long way towards alleviating one element of lifelong monogamous commitments that is rarely discussed: Despair."

--from Skipping towards Gomorrah, by Dan Savage

And then we come to today.

Muk is in town, and I'd decided to have a tea that would serve two purposes: one, to let everyone meet the Muk, and two, to let me use the good china I got from my mom and have'nt had a chance to bring out yet.

I'd almost forgotten how much I love getting people together for tea and cookies and little sandwiches. We had 13 people in the house and that was exactly the right number. Afterwards, we went to Chang's, and then we went to Toys in Babeland. A good time was had by all, which I am incredibly pleased about.

And, well, there is Muk herself, who is so very incredibly lovely. I am just all in awe, and fluttery, and things. Oh, I've got it so very bad.

No more details than that, now; I'm not sure where things are headed, but at the moment, I don't care. I'm just....happy.

Happy holidays, everyone. I hope you're having as good a time as I am.

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