I'm feeling...fragile, I guess. the transition back to my life has been strange. I have been feeling for a month that I am reacting to things in slow motion, that there is some sort of syncing error between me and the rest of the world. The feeling has abruptly intensified; I feel as if there is something seriously wrong, somewhere, and I don't know what it is or what I could possibly do about it.
I dislike this feeling intensely. Much of it has to do with the work stuff that's going on (those of you who are on the notify list will know what i'm talking about; I don't talk much about it here).
i have promised myself that something will change, soon; most of my problem is that i'm bored out of my fucking mind.
*****
Yes, the trip was lovely, thank you for asking. We got stranded by a car breakdown in West liberty, so i didn't spend very much time in Iowa City. It was very laid-back, very relaxing. I got to drive Melanie's car before it broke, and that was fun. no, i didn't break it. *heh* I yet again have a horrid craving for cigarettes and more fond memories to add to my cache.
So, yeah. Got some stuff written, the plane flights for once went perfectly smoothly, so good it was eerie. I felt grownup. On the trip home, I wrote the beginning of a story and most of a column for Blueprint.
glad I flew out when i did, though. winds in iowa are 40-60 mph at the moment. i would have been stranded there. Not, of course, that that would have been all that bad...
*****
Hm. Not much else today. I miss Melanie. I'm tired. I'm snappish.
I remembered yesterday that he used to call me Krisanthemum. i'd forgotten, as I've forgotten so much else.
Only it's not so much forgetting as a putting-aside of things, a store of information ready to be revived as needed or as i'm ready to face it. The knowledge didn't hurt, as it would have two months before. It simply is what it is, a fact of a life I've left behind.
A life I thought I wouldn't escape alive.
*****
98%
But each day brings
new aches—my neck
back feet legs all
the places bones rub
together and tendons twine;
I am ringing with fear
and I feel a horrid case
of November coming on—
These things ping against
me and I answer, these
impulses. I am happy,
I think. I am happy
without you. I am
so glad you are gone—
97% sane and pushing 98
the last two percent
is for taking chances and
falling in love. I grin,
feel sunshine pour into
my eyes. Pushing 98 percent.
and down deep the hurts
are healing, the aches
of each day the form
of a blow long delayed.
I never needed what you gave me;
I did an excellent job of hurt
on my own.
98% sane, now.
98% glad you're gone.
—9/98
