Occasionally, circumstances will overcome the best of what you can do.
And that's my lesson, here.
I don't want to go through what happened; it doesn't really matter to anyone but us, and, frankly, rehashing it isn't going to help. We haven't lost each other, just stepped back and done a reevaluation of where we were and where we were going.
So we're on hold; a condition I'm unfamiliar with.
Yeah, i'm sad. I'm not angry, nor am i really hurt; I recognize the need and can respond to it. And sad goes away once i've gotten used to the idea of whatever i'm sad about.
Why do I have this feeling I won't recognize my life in another month?
*****
I need a massage like you wouldn't believe. Laura said she has the number of a person in the U district that she reccommends, and if I can afford it, i'm going to see if I can schedule an appointment for the end of the week. Which means that I need to pay my bills; I need to pay them anyway, so this will give me an incentive.
I'm torn; I have this urge for lots of human contact and yet I don't want to be touched. It's weird and disturbing. having by-myself time on sunday helped, since i stayed home and nursed a cold I felt coming on. It worked, too--I'm remarkably illness-free this week.
I think I've finally worked through the grief of the ewnd of my relationship with shannon and now am turning to the legacy of Bad Shit that I acquired in the relationship: a certian defensiveness when answering personal question, the fear of physical closeness. i'm not sure how, yet, but I know these things are happening and i know that I can fix them.
*****
Last night, I noticed that the Aurora bridge is lit up from below by blue lights. The bridge looks almost beautiful, lit like that. It's an eerie, silent beauty, almost malevolent. The way it is lit against the sky gives it a sense of presence that is definitely not friendly.
Manmade objects can be so alien.
