I'm writing this on the tripad while my main computer processes a bunch of stuff I just handed it. I love this little machine, though it's taken me a while to get used to typing on this tiny keyboard. It's frustrating not being a touch typist right now.

anyway, diet weigh-in was yesterday, and I've lost a startling nine pounds in the last three weeks this from eating more food than I ever have in my entire life. it's really amazing. and the strange part is that I feel more energetic, strong, just plain old better--my cardiovascular health is improving by leaps and bounds. I'm now doing an hour of cardio a day, and it's really making a difference. my resting heart rate has dropped to somewhere between 50 and n60 bpm.

obviously, my body likes these things I'm doing for it and is responding accordingly.

Aside from that, it's really been the usual--playing with my toys, helping friends move, refinancing the house (yay new lower interest rate!), paying off the credit cards... oh, well, yeah, I guess there's been stuff going on.

In college, I received my first three credit cards almost by accident. (they were giving out toys! and snacks! how could I resist?) I was good with them until I moved to Seattle, and had moving expenses and a year of underemployment, and dug myself into the hole to the tune of about four digits. even after I put the cards away, I was still paying nothing but the minimum on them. There was too much else that needed doing to pay off the cards. and it was such a *daunting* sum....

so for the past year, I've been dumping all of my extra money into the cards. little by little, they've gone away. Until, on May 1, I sent off the last of my payments. I now have no consumer debt. this is a *really* good feeling.

One of the things I've been doing for the last little bit is playing the unnamed game that's connected to the new Spielberg movie, "AI". oh, my god, this is engrossing. Do a search on Jeanine Salla on google, and prepare to fall down the rabbit hole....

(and hit the Cloudmakers site if you're lost and need more direction.)

I'm currently trying to get a petulant AI to give me information. heh.

I'm feeling wordless right now.

I'd call it writer's block but it's not really that. It's just an empty feeling, a feeling of distance, like I'm very far away from whatever part of myself does the writing. It's a strange, lost feeling.

Every time I sit down to write, I think, isn't there something I should be doing, somewhere?

I want to write, I have things to say, poems in my head, mental scraps of paper, post-its on my subconscious.

But I've got everything else going on. I'm distracted. disturbed. I'd say I have no time, but there's always time for writing, really, I just choose not to use it.

(I have plans for every day this week except today. no kidding. sometimes I think I overbook myself slightly. this whole being-in-demand business is strange and occasionally vexing.)

And then, I try to write, and what comes out is crap. crap, crap, crap. Witing for my journal has become more and more difficult--there's so much I can't say. All I want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep until I wake up.

there's so much noise going on around me, so much static in my daily life. I ache for silence sometimes. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but I think I'm on the verge of losing my balance. I'm working very, very hard at everything right now, holding it together. doing this all myself is like standing on one leg and juggling teacups--if I miss one thing, everything will come crashing down.

When people ask me how it's going, I'm not exactly sure how to answer them.

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