I had no idea.

I had no idea that one human brain and heart could hold all of these dichotomies.

People i love and resent. Things I want to be mad about but the rational voice kicks in and asks me, what's the use in getting angry? will it help anything? will it make anything any better?

i want to scream, I want to cry, I want to collapse weeping and see if anyone would notice. [I live alone. Hi, I'm obviously irrational.] I want to calmly pick everything back up, fit it back together, and continue on my way. Serene. Unrepentently calm. I want to be a lake again, with mirrored depths.

I want my emotions to make sense again, damnit. I was doing so well.

I have ideas what started this, but figuring out what exactly it was is like fingering which pebble started the avalanche. So many little things, and here I am trying to fight my way out from under the rubble and the irrationality and the low, low, low self-esteem.

So I'm going to be quiet for a while while I figure this out. While I attempt to beat the bad brain chemicals into submission again.

I'll be back. Don't worry.

[is that a threat, or a promise? she asks, ruefully.]

It's in the way you're always hiding from the light
See for yourself you have been sitting on a time bomb
No revolution maybe someone somewhere else
Could show you something new about you and your inner song
And all the love and all the love in the world
Won't stop the rain from falling
Waste seeping underground
I want to break it down

Break it down again

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