January 03, 2002: over the edge
It's funny, really, how doctors react when you tell them you passed out because something hurt badly.
I mean, I could have been screaming about this all these years, going "No, really, this really really really hurts" and getting told to have some ibuprofen and a liedown. But the first time I actually pass out rather than just feeling like I'm going to pass out or contemplating carving out my uterus with a pickle fork, the doctor gets this serious look on her face and won't let me blow it off. Evidently actually losing conciousness is some sort of a benchmark, a sign that this pain is *serious*.
Like it wasn't serious *before*.
So she thinks I might have endometriosis. I disagree, personally. First, I don't fit the profile of someone with endometriosis, as this is the first time in about six months that I've had more than mild cramps.
Second, my mom had endometriosis, and I remember what she went through for 15 years before they managed to treat it fully. I don't *want* to have endometriosis. Endometriosis sucks.
So the doctor all but ordered me to the gynecologist for evaluation. Have I mentioned yet that the only way to diagnose endometriosis is via laproscopy? (They blow you full of air, stick a camera through your bellybutton, and look around.)
Maybe they can do that when they tie my tubes.
A girl can always hope.
Yeah, I'm getting my tubes tied. I haven't honestly wanted kids since I was fourteen and spent the summer babysitting two adorable little monsters. I like kids, like being around kids, I just don't want any of my own. I will be perfectly content being Crazy Aunt Kris, who brings toys and goodies when she comes to visit.
I don't feel like I have to have kids for my life to be complete. It's just not a priority for me, and never really has been. Add to that my chronic illnesses make me a terrible potential genetic contributor, and you have a drive to get rid of my newfound fertility as soon as possible.
I haven't really gotten a lot of flack for my decision, but then again i haven't really told my family. All they know is that i'm infertile. They don't really need to know that it's soon going to be by choice.
[And, heck, if I decide later I want kids, there are always stray kiddos around who need homes. And there are always teenagers who need someplace to go that isn't their parents'. Yup.]
Not really resolutions, but things I will do in the next year:
Get my tubes tied. Because I want to.
Continue to work out, strive to improve my eating habits. Because I feel much better when I'm doing healthy stuff for myself.
Re-learn how to meditate.
Save as much money as humanly possible.
Find a balance between people and home, between work and home. I swing all over the place, and it would be nice to finally get to a place where I felt everything was being addressed to my satisfaction.
I think there were a few more. I should check tonight. For the moment, though, these things make me happy.
